My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
