Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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