I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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