I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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