Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
