a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Oh god it's open bar.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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