Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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