mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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