I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize