Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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