I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
