I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
