he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
