His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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