Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
