She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
