You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
