My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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