I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you will always have a special place in my vag
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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