im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
