booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
