My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
