The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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