I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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