Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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