I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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