Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
