eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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