So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
