why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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