Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
