I just saw a hot homeless man
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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