OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
