I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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