im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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