I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's blow job season.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize