I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
