Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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