I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
