i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
