sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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