headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
