My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
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By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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