You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
