Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
