I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
