She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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