dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
