She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
