shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
