I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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