i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
