Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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