I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
