I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
