do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
